Friendships become notoriously tricky in High School and while this is a problem for both males and females I do believe that girls are hit the hardest. The intense need to conform and become part of a tribe is completely animalistic and overpowers our brains and our senses. For girls on the spectrum, this is an incredibly difficult period, as wrong and right, black or white, still prevails. They find it very difficult to navigate the subtleties and complexities of relationships and at times can feel completely isolated. This increases anxiety and has a knock on effect on life outside of school as well. As a parent we feel an incredible desire to help our children and make everything ok with them. We are able to have some of that control in primary where we have close home-school links and have become friends with our children’s friend’s mums. In High School we lose that element of control entirely and the ground beneath our feet can feel particularly wobbly at times. This only increases the anxiety experienced in the home and if we’re not careful we can end up making the situation worse. There are some things we can do to minimize damage and ensure that friendships continue:
- encourage them to have more than one friend. Young people with ASD often feel more comfortable with a very small group and this often limits their interactions with others. If they can form a friendship with a small handful of people there is less opportunity for everything to fall apart if one friend suddenly drops from the scene or starts behaving differently.
- read ‘Blame my Brain’ by Nicola Morgan and then give it to your teen to read. An understanding of how the brain is functioning in the teenage years is priceless and will help them understand themselves a little more.
- encourage your teen to see things from another perspective. This can be incredibly difficult but if they are able to look at a situation through another’s eyes this encourages empathy and understanding.
- support their independence during difficult times. Friendships are vital for our mental health but spending time alone is a skill worth developing. If they have hobbies of their own that they can do independently this can serve as an excellent therapy to life’s stressors.
- nurture your own friendships and lead by example. You are the most powerful role model in your daughter’s life and she will see the value you place on your friendships as well as the rewards you recieve from them.
- encourage extra curricular activities but bear in mind that they will also need some down-time to cope with high levels of anxiety and this is a constant balancing act.
- practise some form of relaxation exercise with her. Yoga is ideal as it activates the parasympathetic response, also known, as the relaxation response. This encourages our body to recover from periods of stress and also enables us to have better control over our emotions.
- check your own anxiety levels. Anxiety is contagious and circular and if they sense your concern this may cause further panic. Ensure you are sleeping and eating well and taking regular exercise and time out.
- try not to catastrophise. This is a phase, like all other phases, and you will both live to fight another battle, but hopefully a little tougher and wiser! Good Luck!
bettines 